What is it like to have borderline personality disorder?
Borderline personality disorder is living in a contradiction with so much uncertainty. You’re happy and then your sad, you’re at peace and then you’re angry. No matter what you feel, there is always pain.
It’s like riding a skateboard through a store with fancy and expensive glass figurines everywhere. One wrong move and you instantly have to pay thousands of dollars you don’t even know. It’s constant walking on thin ice. And it’s hard to get around.
There is always so much blame. There is always so much anxiety. The thought of someone you love leaving you is so terrifying that you lose any kind if logical thinking possible. Your mind is screaming “do something. Do something and don’t let them leave. You are nothing without them so don’t let them leave” an so you’re like an animal with it’s leg trapped in a metal trap. You’re willing to do anything, even the most bizarre.
So suddenly you’re frantic and incredibly confused and no real control over your emotions. Anything you say and do is run by sheer terror. In a way, it’s easy to see it as manipulation but god, if manipulation is born from fear and from the feeling that you are about to die then maybe let it be so.
And then you’re screaming things like
"I’m going to kill myself"
“I’m going to cut myself”
“You don’t even care about me”
“I can’t stand you”
And it’s not even because you want to be malicious or cold hearted. It’s because your brain had a metaphorical gun to your head, forcing you to say these things. It’s like being held hostage and you’re willing to do anything to get out. But really these words are just a way of screaming “God, please help me because I can’t help myself. I need to know that I’m not alone. Convince me, please just convince me”
But then these outbursts drive people away. And then you blame yourself
"Nobody likes you"
“You’re such a bitch”
“Maybe you should just kill yourself”
“People deserve better than you”
“Do you see what you do to people?”
And it’s non stop torture. You want to curl in a corner and plug your ears and scream “make it stop, make it stop, MAKE. IT. STOP”
But you don’t get quiet moments.
It doesn’t stop.
You become so bitter and resentful and trust for people is non Existant. And most of all, you have no trust for yourself.
You spend your whole life trying t figure out who you are but you can’t find it, so you try to fill it with other people who you can’t get to stay and they get driven away from your insanity.
And then you come across some people who really want to help and those are the people you get attached to and want to stay the most. But they can do as much as cancel a plan and suddenly anxiety makes it to where you can’t breathe and the gun is to your head all over again.
There are no quiet moments with BPD.
Make it stop….